Confession (Not That Kind)
To all that read this blog and to all that enjoy the posts on the Facebook page. This is my confession. To my family members and friends, this article may serve as an explanation of sorts. As it is my custom, I will share a short story, but keep reading, the confession will follow.
Years ago, after my first divorce and as a young man, I desperately wanted a computer. Not just any computer, one with speakers, a microphone, and internet access. AOL was the best connection, cell phones were not affordable, and I traveled for a building material company selling products I knew little about. My days were long. I lived with my parents once more, but really, really, wanted a computer.
My desire stemmed from a rumor heard about free Bob Dylan bootleg albums. Back in the day, the MyLocker website allowed for the listening of recordings others had made. I suspect they were shut down because of issues with copyright law. Most of the songs came from England, and it opened up a world to me. I bought the computer in another state and began to use it for music and “chat rooms”.
It was an expensive toy for such things, but it changed my life. My favorite activity, was to hang out in the “Spiritual Insights” chat room while listening to Bob Dylan, Bob Marley, and taking brief breaks to smoke a cigarette on the front porch. Back in the day, I was trying to prove that I knew a thing or two, about a thing or two, in relation to God. I was not pious, and never unavailable to those looking for romance, but mostly, I wanted to learn and teach.
One of my favorite “moves”, was to tell a young woman that I would like to know her. When she acknowledged my comment and responded, I typed… “in the biblical sense.”
This led to my driving to New York to visit friends (it did not go well) and also to someone flying in from California to visit me. Quite frankly, I was a little crazy back then. I dabbled in developing psychic ability, recorded two demo albums (one written in advance and one stream of consciousness), and garnered the attention of several psychiatrists at the bequest of my family. What I learned from my experience is that some thoughts need to remain in my brain and not broadcast to everyone I meet.
As shocking as that may seem, that is not my confession.
With the invention of the cell phone and wireless headphones, for $11/month, I am able to get any music I might like on Spotify. With the development of Facebook, I am able to share my thoughts and drawings with hundreds of people with the press of a screen. My current wife has been with me through the “crazies” and the good times. I work for a company that appreciates my abilities to interact with team members and customers in a way that conveys sincerity. I wake up in the mornings and study wild things and go to bed with a sense of wonder and gratitude.
For three years, I have shared stories on this website and have sold a few copies of a book. I have made new friends and have kept in touch with some old friends. There are those that approach me with business ideas and my goal has become to create one smile a day. I have been at what some would call rock bottom, and also, where some might think I am on top of the world. I found that when you close your eyes and speak to the divine, they both look the same.
My confession is this… I have no idea why things are good for me. Nothing about my past adds up to my present, other than that I always knew, as I do now, that there is more than what I am experiencing now. When I say, “good for me,” it is not subject to what others believe I should be doing or how well off I am with regard to finances.
Good for me, is waking up early, meditating on this or that, listening to some music and dancing alone, being grateful and hopeful for goodness, and my part in that goodness.
Life is so good, that sometimes I wonder if it is me doing the living of it at all. As someone that cares a bit about the world around me, I would like to share that with others. Who knows what that will look like in the future, but for now, it is by sharing short stories, observations, and pictures, both drawn and captured on a phone.
Of course, I know, my saying my life is good helps so little without a recommendation on how to replicate that goodness. You cannot have my family. You cannot experience what brought me here. And, you cannot always enjoy the things I enjoy. But, you can do these simple things.
Smile on purpose, even when you do not feel like smiling. Find a song that makes you happy, and play it on repeat for a few cycles. Practice not judging, or determining the worth, of your moments, experiences, or those around you. Be grateful for anything. Write it down. Say it out loud. Be grateful for whatever there is in your life right now that you enjoy. Be kind instead of right, speak encouragement rather than complaint, and find some way to be kind each day.
Above all, expect that the universe wants good things for you, and is not determined to beat you down.
And this advice, I suppose, is what categorizes this blog into the “spiritual” category.
If you need proof, try it. If you need a degree, I could get a copy of a diploma (I never hung it on a wall). When you wonder if any of it is true, ask yourself and the divine that lives inside you. If you wonder if I am really for you, use the contact form. I am so for you. I am for you because I know the world needs you at your best. In these times, there is a swelling of unity and acceptance. We are making the world a better place by making the world better for everyone.